LOVE -- How To Make It Last

Most all of the suffering and unhappiness in marriage could actually be avoided. Having a successful loving relationship is simple to understand. Yet, many couples are incapable or unwilling to do the simple things required to make their marriage work. Do the simple things and your relationship will stand the test of time. Ignore the simple things and your relationship will fail.

Here are just a few examples:
1. Remember birthdays and anniversaries.
2. Say “please” and “thank you.”
3. Tell your lover “I Love You” each morning and before you go to bed each evening.
4. Help clean the table after dinner.
5. Men, put the toilet seat down after going!
6. Ladies, keep your make-up in a case, you don’t need the entire bathroom countertop.
7. Go through the rituals of telling each other to “Watch for people running stop lights,” “Watch for ice on the road,” “Be safe.”
8. Call if you are going to be late.
9. Help carry in the groceries and packages.
10. Send your lover an email or call at least once a day to say you are thinking about them.
11. Be more unselfish, it isn’t just about you.
12. Give your lover at least a dozen hugs a day.
The list goes on...

Successful love and relationships are an accumulation of the little things. The little things matter! It isn’t enough to just think about the little things or just talk about the little things. You have to just DO the little things every day. That’s what makes love and marriage last! (Read the previous post on “Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?”)

Is Your Marriage Worth Saving?

Most marriages and relationships can be saved, but not all. Check the following steps to decide whether your marriage is worth to be saved.

STEP 1

Recognize physical or emotional abuse. In the case of abuse – many failing marriages and relationship are simply not worth saving. Physical abuse is easy to recognize. The one question to ask yourself is, "Am I afraid of my spouse?" If the answer is yes, it is time to end the marriage. Many choose to ignore or do not recognize emotional abuse. Some common signs of emotional abuse are constant criticism, berating, insulting, treating as inferior or a servant, demanding gratitude and isolation from family and friends. Anything that makes you feel bad about yourself on a regular basis can be considered emotional abuse.
If you have an abusive spouse that is unwilling to seek help, you can only expect the abuse to get worse. It is time to end the marriage. Don't wait until it's too late.

STEP 2
Acknowledge infidelity. Many couples are able to work through the feelings of betrayal that an affair brings. If you or your spouse feel that over time this transgression can be forgiven then your marriage is worth saving. If not, it is probably better to end the marriage.

STEP 3
Question your true feelings and answer them honestly to yourself. Are you still in love with your spouse or are you in love with the idea of marriage? Do you enjoy being with your spouse or does time together leave you irritated, depressed or wishing you were alone or somewhere else? Do you respect your spouse and feel supportive in values and beliefs?

STEP 4
Connect problems that recur. A pattern of fighting over trivial matters, disagreeing about everything, cruel teasing, refusal to work on major issues, an unwillingness to compromise and always bringing up past hurts indicates that there are some serious problems in the marriage that may be beyond repair.

STEP 5
Measure the intimacy in your marriage. Intimacy is defined as a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Does this describe how you feel toward your spouse or do you try to avoid affection and personal contact?

STEP 6
Inspect other relationships to see if the problems in your marriage are affecting how you relate to others and how you do your job. If others get a sense of sadness, moodiness, frustration, anger, fear, inattentiveness or impatience from you it might be time to end the marriage.

STEP 7
Appraise your own health. How is your stress level? Are you sleeping well? Eating properly? Exercising regularly? Attending to personal hygiene as you once did? If the problems in your marriage are having an effect on your personal health it might be time to end it.

STEP 8
Communication breakdown. Seek counsel if you and your spouse have come to a point where you can no longer communicate. Sometimes an outsider can offer perspectives on problems that seem hopeless.

STEP 9
Determine to give your all to your marriage for a designated period of time. Make your best effort and really try to improve your marriage. If at the end of this time you still feel hopeless, you will have a feeling of closure knowing you did your best to save the marriage.


The simple truth is, some marriages and relationships should not and cannot be saved. As harsh and evident as this truth is, it cannot be avoided in the case of some marriages and relationships. Sometimes, you simply must move on with your life before it is too late. When you have exhausted the solutions available to you, you simply must cut the tithes that bind. (Read the previous post on "Infidelity: Are You A Victim or A Survivor?")

Infidelity: Are You A Victim, Or A Survivor?

When infidelity happens, blame on the adulterer occurs straight away and the abused other partner is seen as the victim. It is natural for the abused partner to look for sympathy and accept the victim label given to them by others. However it does not help you move forward, it only labels you and keeps you in a place of loss and failure. Being a victim is the beginning of a sad slope down to a delusional state where you deny all responsibility for the bad things that have happened to you, blaming everyone else and denying any involvement yourself.

Imagine for years feeling bitter about your partner’s relationship and unable to move on with other relationships because they fail due to your anger and labelling as a victim. Playing the victim means you need others to look after you. You need a knight in shining armour to rescue you and take you away from the dark horrible things that have happened to you. But by doing so you are not acknowledging the contribution you may have made to the breakdown, and also you are loosing control of your own life. Of course your partner is to blame, and you are the victim. You did not deserve this; you did not ask for it or provoke it. You feel abused and traumatised by what has happened. But in all this emotional turmoil, how do you find yourself reacting? Do you view this event as the end of the world, or can you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move on? Do you find yourself drowning yourself in your sorrow, or do you find yourself getting wiser from the experience. How long are you going to stay the victim before getting yourself up and taking control of your life? Your estranged partner has taken control from you by committing adultery, now its time for you to take that control back.

If you are in control then you are responding positively to the situation. Being a victim is a passive state that leaves you nowhere positively. Take some time to wonder why your estranged partner was inclined to do it. What is missing from your relationship or from their personalities? It easy to blame the adulterer for their infidelity and their weak character, but consider why are they so weak in the first place. What sort of up bringing prepared them for a nurturing relationship? Are they themselves the victim of their parent’s own break up, now manifesting itself in their inability to commit to another on a permanent basis because of fear of rejection and abandonment.

With relationships as always it’s a double-edged sword because there maybe never enough you can do for your partner in the relationship. If so, you have to acknowledge this and decide what to do to get out of the relationship and find a new one (if you want to try again) that fits with your needs. By taking control and realising that you were not the right person for your partner, because you cannot achieve mutual happiness, you are acknowledging that your relationship is flawed because of both of you. Your needs do not match your partners. Perhaps only by being in a relationship with someone do you ever realise that the relationship does not work. But at least you have tried, for by not trying you would have never known. And now that you are acknowledging this, you are moving on constructively rather that sitting playing the role of the victim.

On the other hand, infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship. You can save your marriage. Rebuilding your relationship can take time and learning to trust your partner again will require some faith, but is a must if you plan on saving your marriage. Infidelity is a devastating experience. And yet, most couples who go through it can recover. While there is no excuse for infidelity, you will eventually have to move past it if saving the marriage is on the agenda. It is all a matter of perspective, but it is entirely possible to not lose hope and stay positive.

Don’t be a victim of Infidelity, be a survivor of infidelity. Forget the past; don’t let it drag your future down.