When infidelity happens, blame on the adulterer occurs straight away and the abused other partner is seen as the victim. It is natural for the abused partner to look for sympathy and accept the victim label given to them by others. However it does not help you move forward, it only labels you and keeps you in a place of loss and failure. Being a victim is the beginning of a sad slope down to a delusional state where you deny all responsibility for the bad things that have happened to you, blaming everyone else and denying any involvement yourself.
Imagine for years feeling bitter about your partner’s relationship and unable to move on with other relationships because they fail due to your anger and labelling as a victim. Playing the victim means you need others to look after you. You need a knight in shining armour to rescue you and take you away from the dark horrible things that have happened to you. But by doing so you are not acknowledging the contribution you may have made to the breakdown, and also you are loosing control of your own life. Of course your partner is to blame, and you are the victim. You did not deserve this; you did not ask for it or provoke it. You feel abused and traumatised by what has happened. But in all this emotional turmoil, how do you find yourself reacting? Do you view this event as the end of the world, or can you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move on? Do you find yourself drowning yourself in your sorrow, or do you find yourself getting wiser from the experience. How long are you going to stay the victim before getting yourself up and taking control of your life? Your estranged partner has taken control from you by committing adultery, now its time for you to take that control back.
If you are in control then you are responding positively to the situation. Being a victim is a passive state that leaves you nowhere positively. Take some time to wonder why your estranged partner was inclined to do it. What is missing from your relationship or from their personalities? It easy to blame the adulterer for their infidelity and their weak character, but consider why are they so weak in the first place. What sort of up bringing prepared them for a nurturing relationship? Are they themselves the victim of their parent’s own break up, now manifesting itself in their inability to commit to another on a permanent basis because of fear of rejection and abandonment.
With relationships as always it’s a double-edged sword because there maybe never enough you can do for your partner in the relationship. If so, you have to acknowledge this and decide what to do to get out of the relationship and find a new one (if you want to try again) that fits with your needs. By taking control and realising that you were not the right person for your partner, because you cannot achieve mutual happiness, you are acknowledging that your relationship is flawed because of both of you. Your needs do not match your partners. Perhaps only by being in a relationship with someone do you ever realise that the relationship does not work. But at least you have tried, for by not trying you would have never known. And now that you are acknowledging this, you are moving on constructively rather that sitting playing the role of the victim.
On the other hand, infidelity does not have to mean the end of a relationship. You can save your marriage. Rebuilding your relationship can take time and learning to trust your partner again will require some faith, but is a must if you plan on saving your marriage. Infidelity is a devastating experience. And yet, most couples who go through it can recover. While there is no excuse for infidelity, you will eventually have to move past it if saving the marriage is on the agenda. It is all a matter of perspective, but it is entirely possible to not lose hope and stay positive.
Don’t be a victim of Infidelity, be a survivor of infidelity. Forget the past; don’t let it drag your future down.
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